Friday, 9 January 2009

Friday Forward

(Sorry that this one ended up getting posted in two halves, my computer had a funny five minutes last night and I could only get half of it done.)

Hi everyone,

I don't have kids, but I'll admit that I laugh as much as anyone at some of the things they do. Here are a few that came through to me in a forward, so I thought I would share.

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but itwas dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and inand out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven'ssake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother wastucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when heasked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for thechildren's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she satdown, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-onmicrophone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron..'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into theshower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in hertummy.''I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are youteaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, thatson of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught themwas, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of ChickenLittle to her class. She came to the part of the story where ChickenLittle tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Littlewent up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky isfalling!'The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think thatfarmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter. Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not..'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?' (a potential erotic romance writer of the future, no doubt about it, lol)


Other news:

I just sent off my first lust bite length story. I'll let you know what happens with that.

That means, as of about five minutes ago, I don't have an editing project. I'm going to have a day or two off editing, and then I'll start on either another lust bite or an anthology submission.

Writing: I'm writing my second lust bite at the moment. It's going reasonably well at the moment, I might have to tweak the point of view at some point but otherwise, it's coming together nicely.

And that's it.

Have a good weekend everyone.


Chelle said...

Too funny! Thanks for the smile.

Kim Dare said...

Sad I know, but I've read them back more than a few times and I smile every time.